It's been a while, hasn't it?
I've just recently returned from a three month long vacation in my head. I've had a rather pleasant time, thanks for asking, but I figured it would be best to come back to reality for a while- at least long enough to write this blog post.
And that is the very problem.
I've come to the realization that blogging isn't some carefree, fanciful hobby anymore. I feel like I have to set myself down every week or so to write something, and the pressure of that actually makes me feel physically ill. I originally intended for this little piece of the internet to be a place where I could escape and express myself because I couldn't seem to do that in the real world. Now, though, it's the other way around it seems. I want to escape this place. I can't seem to express myself here.
In my dreams, this place was one of love. I dreamt I would blog about things that would strike a chord in peoples' hearts and make them want to book a permanent stay here. I didn't care if that chord was humor, imagination or reality. I just wanted to be able to connect with people through another form of communication that was new to me. This hasn't been the case, though.
I feel like I have just been completely over thinking everything. I would set up a tripod in my backyard to take outfit pictures, making sure nobody, not even my family, was watching, I would carefully upload those pictures to my computer and spend hours scrutinizing them, and then I would write up a blog post using language and formalities I never use in real life. I felt immensely pressured to make my less than one-year-old blog ten-year-old blog material. I was commenting on other bloggers posts as a formality, being extra careful to include my blog at the end in a spiffy little link. And worst of all, I was creating content I wasn't happy with. I tried to conform to typical blogger ideals by making the same kind-of mainstream posts that get all the views.
I've spent all this time just focusing on making my blog attract readers. I've had this idea of what success is in my mind which includes a large readership, getting products sent to you, attaining a 'fan' base, and making hundreds of friends. I would look at bloggers and Youtubers like Zoella and Louise Sprinkleofglitter, see what they had, and automatically think that is what I needed to be successful. I assumed that getting views and comments is what made a blog, and even a life, worthwhile.
I even look at people I know and compare my success to theirs. I know a girl who has just published a novel, a few girls who have Twitter/Youtube/Instagram accounts with over 1.5k subscribers/followers, and a handful who have these insane social lives full of adventure. Then I look back at my life and see a few social media accounts with a bit of devoted followers, a great academic record, and 4 or 5 friends who I love and trust and I think it's not good enough. I think this is not a life my parents would be proud of while the people who are going out and doing all these things that I want to do have all this support and behind them from people who are immensely proud of them.
I know that almost all I just said is not true, that how well known you are defines your value as a person, but it takes time to get thoughts so deeply implanted in your brain out. I'd like to think I'm halfway there, though. I've started to realize that as long as I'm happy, and as long as I make other people happy, no matter the number, life is pretty grand. When I envision my future now it is more family/friend oriented than it was in the past and less focused on online presence. I've have started to look up to people online such as the SacconeJolys because they are less focused on numbers more focused on how much fun they are having. They are obsessed with living their relatively average lives with their adorable children rather than obsessed with how successful they are. And that in itself is success, I think.
So, back to the main point of this post, I have return. I have a new mindset and new goals for this blog. I'm going to try and post things that I like and not worry so much about how well it will go off with my readers. I want this blog to be less mainstream. I want to have my own original, unique place to express myself and just write down my thoughts. I still want to have a large part of my blog be devoted to fashion, because I love fashion. If I love it, here it will be. I also want to be myself more on this blog and write about my past experiences, give advice, rant if things need ranting about and share bits of my life through photography or small videos (kind of like a literary vlog... with pictures). I want to be able to look back on my blog in the years to come and remember all these lovely things that happened during my teenage years. I have this idea of filming the "little happies" of my week or day... just small things that make my heart feel light. I probably won't spend quite as much time making every post a grammatical master piece, for I should save my best work for school (or if I do ever decide to write a book... I would quite like to!). I want to bring more creative, imaginative things to my blog as well. Fantasy short stories, inspirational stories and just stories in general. I would like to show my more creative side and create some DIY posts, or show you my artwork. I want to make every post a bit more attractive looking also in terms of photography. I have 2 very swish cameras which I would like to break out once more.
I'm basically going to stop trying to be so perfect. I want to make my blog more real and pertinent to me. I want to be able to express whatever I would like on my blog without fear of how many comments it will get. If I realize that I'm over thinking a post, I will discard it, for I don't want to stress about this part of my life. This is my blog, after all. I want to make magic for myself.
I'm not very crafty, but I want to be. I'm smart and adventurous and weird. I live in a town that is too small to contain my excitement for the future, and I have learned that to be with those I like is enough. I have reason to believe that if you carry grace in your heart and flowers in your hands everything will end up okay.
Who's willing to join me in this new adventure?