Saturday, June 13, 2015

Embarrassment || A Story and How to Deal

I have been traumatized. Not your ordinary start to a blog post, now is it? Let me explain...

Today is Saturday and 13th of June. I am sitting on my dad's musty old recliner with The Hobbit playing in the background and my mom prepping for our camping trip in the kitchen. Sounds pretty relaxed, right? Wrong. My stomach feels like the 4th of July and my head is reminiscent of a child's coloring book after they have been given a new pack of crayons. I am a mess inside, blank face outside. All this because of what happened today. 
Earlier this week (around Tuesday I believe) my friend invited me to her 16th birthday party/sleepover via Facebook. I saw that is was planned for a Saturday, and I realized that would not work for me because this Sunday we are heading out of town. I worked out a plan with her that I would stay until 10 on Saturday night and then have my mom pick me up so I would be home on Sunday morning. So far so good, right? Easy breezy lemon squeezy. I can go to her party and still be home on Sunday morning. Perfect. 
With this fantastic plan in mind, I asked my mom to take me to the store so I could pick up a present to give to her on Saturday. I picked up some okay-ish presents because we were kind of in a rush, and  I made a mental note to tell my friend that we were just short on time hence the lame present. I came home and wrote in the card and wrapped up her gift and set it all on the table. Ready for Saturday.
When Saturday came around, I spent the entire day working in my garden for my friends party wasn't until 6. By 5:30 I was showered and ready to leave, so I began pestering my dad to hurry. He obliged, and we left the house at around 6:10. My friend does not live far at all, so I asked my dad to drive slowly because I did not want to be the first to arrive. Who want to be the first at a party?! Awks. 
We got there at the perfect time, and I saw another car pull up to her house which greatly reassured me. We pulled up to her yard, and I got out right after asking my dad to wait until I was inside. Lucky I did that. 
I walked up her lawn and looked over to my left. There I saw her, sitting at a long picnic table with a bunch of other people who looked like her family. I figured they were just there for the party, so I walked over to greet my friend, thinking nothing of it. But when I reached the table, I realized something was wrong. They all had this extremely confused expression on their face, like "Who's this girl and what is she doing here?" I just figured I was really early so I flat out asked her, "Am I the first one here?" She kinda stared at me ,and we started walking toward the door to go inside when I asked again, thinking she just didn't hear me right. She hesitated and with a small smile said, "Well, the party is next week."
 What. Whatwhatwhatwhatwhat. Cue the internal screaming, am I right? I stared at her for a minute and then realized the gravity of my mistake. I showed up to her house A WEEK early! I literally crashed her families dinner. No wonder there were so many of her family members there! SHE WAS HAVING A FAMILY GAME NIGHT. 
I immediately tried to correct her, like I could change the horrible thing that just happened, and said, "What? Are you sure? I swear it was this week!" and she just sadly smiled and said, "No, it's not until July." I felt SO dumb. I became so awkward and just started to leave like, "Oh this is weird. So much sad. Um, sorry." Over the deafening sound of failure ringing in my head, I heard her ever-so-lovely-mom say, "Oh, she can stay if she wants!" But I just needed to get out of there. I quickly hugged my friend, who looked at me with such pity and sadness, and I walked back over to my dad's car. He was still sitting in the drivers seat but my friends dad had came over to the window to talk to him. He told him it was next week (more like next month) and my dad apologized and said how embarrassed he was. I got in and we drove away, all the while my dad was low-key yelling at me for not communicating better and he could't stop saying, "How embarrassing." Thanks for reminding me, dad. 
So let me just sum that up: I showed up to my friends birthday party A MONTH early. I crashed her family game night. I extremely awkwardly left while my friend looked after me with pity in her eyes. I came all dressed up with my hair and makeup done, present at hand. I acted like I was just the first one there, and like I was ready to party. OH MY GOD. 
After I got home, I began my slow wallow in self-loathing. First I went onto her Facebook and checked the date the party was meant to be on. There it was, clear as a bell, July 11th. NOT JUNE 13th! Her actual birthday isn't even until July 9th, but I had just figured she wanted a really early birthday party for some reason. Why would she do that, Emily? I just saw that it was on a Saturday and assumed it would be the upcoming Saturday. I never actually looked at the date, I just checked the times and the day of the week. (My friend was super sweet about all this, may I add. She messaged me later on asking if I was doing okay:))
 The worst thing is, I even had the fear that it was the wrong day while we were driving to her house, but I just dismissed it as nervous jitters. I tried pulling up the event on my phone while we were driving to check, but my phone was being horribly slow.  Who would have known it was actually the wrong day?! This is like the stuff that happens in movies, but you never think it will actually happen to you. Proved that wrong, didn't I?
I think I also got all confused because I had 2 other birthday parties this week. I just clumped them all in the same week in my mind for some reason, even though they are a month apart. Also, on the day when her party actually is, I'm leaving to go camping that Sunday, too. It's the same exact circumstance as it would have been if it was tonight. UGH. 
I can try to justify my mistake all I want, but I still showed up to her party a month early. How bad is that? Very. Did I want to both cry and die at the moment? Yes. Do I still want to? Yes. 

As soon as I started to calm down (ice cream helped), I looked up ways to get over embarrassment. I found a few helpful things, and I'm basically just going to put the best ones here for an ultimate reference guide for anyone who needs help getting over embarrassment.

1. Keep the right tense. It happened in the past! After I told my mom and my sister about what happened (they laughed), I ended my horror story with "I can't do anything about it now," which, I believe, is very helpful to think about. You can't erase what happened. It happened, it's done, that's it.

2. Stop Apologizing. It's not going to make you feel any better. People make mistakes, and everyone is just going to have to deal with it. 

3. Think about other times you wanted to crawl in a corner and stay there for eternity. It will help put things in context. You got over that, and now you're even laughing about it, so it's not a huge deal. 

4. Own it. Go back to whoever you embarrassed yourself if front of and act like nothing happened. Or joke about it. Something. Don't ignore those people or that place forever, because then you'll never get over it; you'll just associate those awful memories with those not-so-awful people.

5. LAUGH ABOUT IT. This one is a biggie. Stories like these are great for parties, or for when you have your own children. Who would have guessed humiliating yourself would be such a great icebreaker? 

6. Talk to others and exchange stories. Comparing your trauma with others is guaranteed to make you feel better and laugh some of your worries away. 

7. Learn from it. In my case, I will definitely be quadruple checking times and dates. 

Do you have any humiliating stories you wish to get off your chest? We can laugh about them together! x

Emily x

Thursday, April 9, 2015

New Beginnings.

So just keep going. Yes. :: 365 Days of Gratitude: Day 262 - Susa Talan

Greetings, friendlings.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

I've just recently returned from a three month long vacation in my head. I've had a rather pleasant time, thanks for asking, but I figured it would be best to come back to reality for a while- at least long enough to write this blog post.

And that is the very problem.

I've come to the realization that blogging isn't some carefree, fanciful hobby anymore. I feel like I have to set myself down every week or so to write something, and the pressure of that actually makes me feel physically ill. I originally intended for this little piece of the internet to be a place where I could escape and express myself because I couldn't seem to do that in the real world. Now, though, it's the other way around it seems. I want to escape this place. I can't seem to express myself here.

In my dreams, this place was one of love. I dreamt I would blog about things that would strike a chord in peoples' hearts and make them want to book a permanent stay here. I didn't care if that chord was humor, imagination or reality. I just wanted to be able to connect with people through another form of communication that was new to me. This hasn't been the case, though.

I feel like I have just been completely over thinking everything. I would set up a tripod in my backyard to take outfit pictures, making sure nobody, not even my family, was watching, I would carefully upload those pictures to my computer and spend hours scrutinizing them, and then I would write up a blog post using language and formalities I never use in real life. I felt immensely pressured to make my less than one-year-old blog ten-year-old blog material. I was commenting on other bloggers posts as a formality, being extra careful to include my blog at the end in a spiffy little link. And worst of all, I was creating content I wasn't happy with. I tried to conform to typical blogger ideals by making the same kind-of mainstream posts that get all the views.

I've spent all this time just focusing on making my blog attract readers. I've had this idea of what success is in my mind which includes a large readership, getting products sent to you, attaining a 'fan' base, and making hundreds of friends. I would look at bloggers and Youtubers like Zoella and Louise Sprinkleofglitter, see what they had, and automatically think that is what I needed to be successful. I assumed that getting views and comments is what made a blog, and even a life, worthwhile.

I even look at people I know and compare my success to theirs. I know a girl who has just published a novel, a few girls who have Twitter/Youtube/Instagram accounts with over 1.5k subscribers/followers, and a handful who have these insane social lives full of adventure. Then I look back at my life and see a few social media accounts with a bit of devoted followers, a great academic record, and 4 or 5 friends who I love and trust and I think it's not good enough. I think this is not a life my parents would be proud of while the people who are going out and doing all these things that I want to do have all this support and behind them from people who are immensely proud of them.

I know that almost all I just said is not true, that how well known you are defines your value as a person, but it takes time to get thoughts so deeply implanted in your brain out. I'd like to think I'm halfway there, though. I've started to realize that as long as I'm happy, and as long as I make other people happy, no matter the number, life is pretty grand. When I envision my future now it is more family/friend oriented than it was in the past and less focused on online presence. I've have started to look up to people online such as the SacconeJolys because they are less focused on numbers more focused on how much fun they are having. They are obsessed with living their relatively average lives with their adorable children rather than obsessed with how successful they are. And that in itself is success, I think.

So, back to the main point of this post, I have return. I have a new mindset and new goals for this blog. I'm going to try and post things that I like and not worry so much about how well it will go off with my readers. I want this blog to be less mainstream. I want to have my own original, unique place to express myself and just write down my thoughts. I still want to have a large part of my blog be devoted to fashion, because I love fashion. If I love it, here it will be. I also want to be myself more on this blog and write about my past experiences, give advice, rant if things need ranting about and share bits of my life through photography or small videos (kind of like a literary vlog... with pictures). I want to be able to look back on my blog in the years to come and remember all these lovely things that happened during my teenage years. I have this idea of filming the "little happies" of my week or day... just small things that make my heart feel light. I probably won't spend quite as much time making every post a grammatical master piece, for I should save my best work for school (or if I do ever decide to write a book... I would quite like to!). I want to bring more creative, imaginative things to my blog as well. Fantasy short stories, inspirational stories and just stories in general. I would like to show my more creative side and create some DIY posts, or show you my artwork. I want to make every post a bit more attractive looking also in terms of photography. I have 2 very swish cameras which I would like to break out once more.

I'm basically going to stop trying to be so perfect. I want to make my blog more real and pertinent to me. I want to be able to express whatever I would like on my blog without fear of how many comments it will get. If I realize that I'm over thinking a post, I will discard it, for I don't want to stress about this part of my life. This is my blog, after all. I want to make magic for myself.

 I'm not very crafty, but I want to be. I'm smart and adventurous and weird. I live in a town that is too small to contain my excitement for the future, and I have learned that to be with those I like is enough. I have reason to believe that if you carry grace in your heart and flowers in your hands everything will end up okay.

Who's willing to join me in this new adventure?

Because maybe you needed this reminder. Because you do, do, do for others and then come up empty for you. Because you deserve joy and lightness and laughter just as you give it to others. Be good to you.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Cats ≥ Cardigans

The first month of the new year is drawing to a close and I am both ecstatic and forlorn. I am beyond excited to continue experiencing and enjoying every minute of 2015, but I am also quite sad that one month is already done and gone. January has gone by so quickly!

As January ends the view of examinations and finals becomes a little bit clearer. The home stretch for my sophomore year is beginning, and I'm already registering for junior year. Thus, I have begun hunkering down and studying for my courses a record 4 months ahead of when I began last time.

 The last thing one wants when it comes to studying for hours is to be uncomfortable. Sitting on a hard, wooden desk chair and looking through pages and pages of Biology notes is hard enough, but the added irritation of a belt or form fitting shirt just makes it unbearable. I am, however, strongly opposed to sweat pants unless I am sleeping, so my alternative to sweats is usually a skirt and cotton tights. Tights are like my second skin, and I feel so at home in them. Is that strange? Probably.

Anyhow, back to the title of this post. I get on tangents a lot, don't I?

 Cardigans are second in my mind only to the beloved tights. I love the comfort of an over-sized cardigan when I am cuddling up to read a chapter of my AP US History textbook.  But tights and cardigans are both second to cats. Oh how I love a good ol' cat. I adore their little toes.

So, essentially, a pair of tights, a cardigan and a cat are all I need in life. I'm pretty easy to please. 

What I'm Wearing

Cardigan : Forever 21
Skirt : H&M
Tank Top : My Mom's
Tights : Target 
Necklace :
Cat : Mother Nature/ Mama Cat

Have a great week!

Emily xx

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Uses for a Secret Compartment

Whilst perusing Pinterest the other day, I came across a DIY for creating a book with a secret compartment. I had nothing better to do that night, so I went sifting through the heaps of discarded books that sit in my basement for one that I would not feel guilty about cutting up. I found one entitled "Hunting Small Game Animals," which my dad must have bought twenty something years ago, who's 6x9 dimensions seemed perfect for my project.

 X-Acto knife in hand, I began cutting equal sized rectangles from the center of the pages (which, may I add, took a very long time because I had to cut about an inch down in total). After successfully carving out the secret compartment, I wrapped the covers up in wrapping paper to conceal the title of the book. I also added some designs around the borders of the pages. 

This book reminds me of something you would see in a mystery movie.There are so many things one can place in it's secret compartment, and then you can just stick it on your bookshelf to conceal them even further. I can imagine the lead heroine of some film using something sneaky like this, and even though I am not a covert spy, I still like the idea of using this to stash things away. 
Here's what I might be putting in my hollow book...

My phone. I even made a little slit for the charger! I know this isn't very secret, but it keeps the cord from getting all tangled up on things.

Bracelets, bobby pins and rings. Why bother spending money on a jewelry box when you can use something unique like a hollow book?!

Pictures and keepsakes. Keep your close memories somewhere hidden where they will never get lost. If you wanted to be extra fancy, you could get a book that has something to do with your memories and hollow that out!

Valuables. This is probably the most obvious use. You can throw money, jewels, passports etc. in the compartment, and then place the book on a shelf with all your other, normal books. 

Pens, pencils and spare keys. Instead of cluttering your desk with pencil holders put your utensils in a book that looks like it would belong there. You could also discretely place a book like this outside your door with a spare key inside for if you ever get locked out. (maybe make the compartment a little more subtle if you do this!)

Cat treats.  My cats are presumably the only ones who do this, but if I leave treats out on the table or something they will claw at the bag until it's open! Now I can just hide them in here, haha! 
(ft. Jazzy who though she was going to get treats)

Things you want to hide from your family.  In my case, chocolate. 

Emily xx

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Quotes I've Lived by in 2014

As January 1st rolls around we are all left to reminisce on the good and, quite honestly, the bad that has happened in 2014. The times we laughed so hard our sides hurt, and the times we cried so hard we could hardly see. Everything we have experienced in 2014 makes us who we are, so even if this year was absolute crap for you, without it you wouldn't be you.

Personally, 2014 didn't treat me too well. I'm not saying it totally sucked; I created oodles of wonderful memories with my beautiful, unparalleled friends and family. I went to bed with a smile on my face more often than not. I laughed. I went on vacation, and when I got back to school I did fantastic and ended first semester with a 4.1. But a few short months really put a damper on my whole year. During the summer I went through a tough phase of emotions regarding who I wanted to be when I was older. I was very interested in Youtube and Youtubers at the time, and I had it set in my mind that if I wasn't as successful as them, or as my peers, I was a failure. I thought having a large audience supporting you was all you needed in life. Looking back on this now, I feel entirely arrogant and ignorant. There are billions of people on our Earth, some of whom are starving, who haven't a care in the world about how known they are.

Now, after realizing my ignorance, I only aspire to do something with my life that makes me proud. I just want to be content, and get to a point where I am confident enough cease comparing myself with others. I don't care how many likes I get, or how many followers I accumulate. I want to travel and see the world. I want to have a loving family, with a roof over my head, and friends who I can call in the middle of the night. I want to love my career, or my studies, and come home everyday with a smile on my face. I want to be happy, and I want to spread happiness like sunbeams.
  That is what I want for 2015, and for the future in general: to radiate positivity because my body is overflowing with it.

In order to get to this point of realization, I relied very heavily on the words of others. Whatever they said I took to heart. I would spend HOURS searching Google, Tumblr and Pinterest for inspirational quotes that I hoped would pull me out of the rut I was stuck in for months. I would save every one I came across to my computer, so now I have a huge gallery of inspiration for when I am down. I believe this act of obsessively saving quotes is what saved me from becoming depressed. Words possess a special  power that can meld minds more powerfully than anything else in existence. These magic phrases pulled me back onto my feet and set my mind in the right direction.

So, in an attempt help you start off your new year with a positive mindset, I re-wrote some of my favorite quotes with my calligraphy pen, took pictures, and inserted them below (be warned that I only got my calligraphy pen a few months ago, so I'm not very good... but I tried!). I based my new mindset almost entirely on the quotes I am sharing below, so I hope they help you create yours. I lived by these sayings in 2014, and plan to again in 2015.

I hope these quotes make you smile and think. Wouldn't it be fantastic if we could all start off the new year with a fresh outlook on the world, one of optimism and acceptance? What a wonderful planet this would become.

Here's to a Happy New Year!

After writing all these quotes 3 or 4 times (I messed up a lot!), my hand got a bit tired and my paper started to run thin. So, I will just type a few more good'uns below! xx

"Don't compare your chapter one to someone else's chapter twenty."

"Worrying won't stop that bad stuff for happening, it just stops you from enjoying the good."

"Be a thunderstorm"

"In a gentle way you can shake the world."

"Be somebody who makes everybody feel like a somebody."

"Don't let anyone rent a space in your head unless they're a good tenant."

"Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy."

"We don't have to do it all."

"A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms."

See you next year. Thanks for everything.
Emily xx